Though I can write the story of what happened and some photos I took, I can't begin to say all that happens in a life so full of scenes and stpries. I have always kept a journal. I thought that perhaps, as part of this effort to open a window on the life I lead, a few quotes from my journal might show another piece of the story.
ALASKAN JOURNALS:
THE ALASKA STATE FAIR
PALMER, AK
9/98
Well! I'm past halfway for the fair- cold and wet and windy, all too true! But I'm getting by. Hard at times, in the lonely quiet after the playing is done. But there's moments of great beauty during the day of playing.
An old man in a wheelchair, covered by a blanket, looking imobile- yet out of the corner of my eye, I see his foot tapping as I play "Buffalo Gals".
Surrounded by 12 kids, I play "Old MacDonald" one more time.
A couple stop and stay asking for the "old folkies" and we go through a set of Weavers and Joan Baez, Buffy St.Marie and Peter, Paul, and Mary.
At the end, they ask for my favorite tune just then. There's no one but us, but a native girl walks up just as I start playing "Somewhere over the Rainbow", and stands in front of me. She never said a word, but as she walked away at the end of the song, I saw a single tear running down her cheek...
At the end of the day, dark, after 10, I'm walking back hauling my gear, and some teenage kids on the hill call out "Hey! You're the dulcimer guy! You're rad!"
Strange life it is. Had a good sweat last night- the guy selling saunas is leaving it open at night for the vendors after hours. I went the other night and it was useless- I want peace and centering in a sweat, especially after a long day of putting out heart and soul, puting out everything (psychically) for the People- but it was full of people babbling away - about stupid things- yacking - a "spa" rather than a "sweat", I guess, if you need words. Head games and energetic chaos, bad vibes, useless vibes -draining for me rather than renewing.
But last night I was alone, silent, then ohming, and chanting, quietly dancing the Spirit into the place. It was good. Tapping into the energy, letting it shine, gentle fire.
Today the sun shines, a welcome change..
Thursday
Wake up to sunshine, at last. Only a few more days of fair left, don't know if I'm relieved of disappointed or both. Its a relief from all the strain, but I'm not..hmm..I don't have anywhere to go, so it is hard to leave. Ha! I guess it is the longing for home (for stability?) and in some ways, the fair is the only "home" (ie community) I've known, and I don't want to leave. I have no life to go home to, like everyone else here.
Community - I've begun to meet some people, but only just met them, and haven't had time to talk - too busy, playing, giving my all to the people. But it is still too true, I walk around afterwards in the quiet dark fair, burnt out from hours of playing, just wishing I had someone to talk to! Ah, a folksinger's life!
I have alot of spot community shows coming up after the fair, still have to contact the schools as well. But I'm playing at the senior's center thursday..
..yep, I wish I could just stay here, playing away the days, lost in songs, "as time goes by" - I finished up late last night, 11pm - with "Somewhere over the Rainbow", beautiful in the quiet of the mostly closed down fair, just a few people to play for, stopping just to here me, and a song to sing.
Friday
Another sunny day! Tho I didn't get much sleep last night - people wandering around, late night drunken partiers - ah well. Then an 8 am soundcheck right by where I sleep! But this has been the first really bad night, so I can feel good I've been so lucky this long. It's hard on me, I live so sensitive and aware, and trying to maintain such a good energy flow, high quality energy flow, but I'm so constantly surrounded by this lowlife crowd, insensitive, lewd, drunken, crude; and it is just a trial for me - just the increased isolation perhaps, or just the... disgust, I guess, irritation at least; meaningless headgame chatter, when I want wisdom and clarity, and some peace and quiet at least. sometimes I wonder if there is any place for me beyond the wilderness and solitude. But I tell you, tho the Great spirit is a true companion, it is not enough, or maybe too much, for a human being. It is at times so strange to think that I am closer to the beasts and birds of the wilderness, and to the mystic energy beneath and beyond life, than to my own kind. Its funny most people who talk to me have no idea and probably would have a hard time concieving of the place I'm coming from, the man I am, just how deep and true I am. Ha! If they really knew me, it would probably scare them off! But it's OK - I get along fine with cats and dogs and children, the wild creatures - I trust their judgement more. I, myself, am more akin to a wild pure thing, like a little child, or a bird in flight; sensitive and aware, honest and open.
Once again the time comes to get to it. sometimes my brain cringes a bit at the first note, shimmering in the morning light - I'll sing "Somewhere over the Rainbow".
Sunday
Coffee in the morning, though the sun's shining through overcast to the east. Looks like it could go either way.
Had a good day yesterday - put it all out of my mind, just live for the music, and the fair's near complete, so losing my voice isn't such a fear - anyway, I just let it rip, the way I can so well - heart and soul, burning bare, deep and strong. Show the spirit I am, the Spirit through me, shining before the crowd Ha! The mystic from the mountaintop, from the desert cave and canyon, here at the fair, just singing a song, telling a joke, making people laugh, making people cry, making people think, making them feel.
Still it is so hard to deal with the mass of insensitive, inconsiderate, selfish, stupid people, so ingnorant and intentionally so. And to see all the beautiful people, so often sleeping, unaware, unconcious. There is such great potential in our spirits, yet few develop it - we have such real passion, such a great capacity for nurturing and creating beauty and harmony, but people so often blow it all away, putting out bad vibes, resonating with the wrong worlds, creating chaos and destruction, manifesting Kali the destroyer, manifesting the devil, manifesting the echoing bad vibes of centuries.
However you want to look at it. The fact is Mark, the sauna builder, had to put a lock on the sweatlodge to keep people out as the scene got worse and worse, morning with the place full of spilt beer and empty bottle, special things thrown in the fire, sacred objects scattered and knocked about.
But still the bird sings each morning, the good energy trying to build a beautiful world in the first dawn light, flowers shining with dew - "Morning has Broken", and I, I go out to sing and smile once again. And the bird still sings, perched on the wires, and the flowers grow up through the cracks in the sidewalk, and I still stand before the crowd,trying to make them see, make them feel-
God's words to man,
till all understand
Living for each day
and Travelling on The Way